To kick off the 2005 season*, we have a few inquiries to make of the universe.
How many shots of shirtless fans will be televised during a game played in three feet of snow?
Over/under on how many interceptions Jake Plummer will throw?
If Jake Plummer was legally blind, would he throw more or less interceptions?
Describe, in twenty words or less, Chad Pennington's internal monologue when faced with a Ravens/Patriots/Bills defense. Please omit the word "fuck".
How many games before Brenda Warner forms a band of religious rooters known as the Arizona College of Cardinals?
How many obvious attempts will be made to show Drew Brees from the most flattering angle? i.e. the angle that does not display his large and grotesque facial mole.
How many times will Todd Pinkston shriek like a little girl and alligator arm away from the can of Coors Light that his buddy throws him as he's watching the game from a luxury suite?
When will Tony Dungy and Herm Edwards realize that the mustache isn't fooling anyone and reveal that that are actually the same person?
Will the naked pictures of St Louis Rams owner Georgia Frontiere that Mike Martz has in his possesion finally be released to the public?
Have the San Francisco 49ers actually been given lesbian stripper performances in the locker room? Will it improve or weaken their performance? Discuss.
How many times will we see Joey Harrington wrinkle up his forehead in agony on the sidelines?
What is the over / under on instances of the Peyton Manning Face?
How much tongue bathing can Peyton Manning withstand from the broadcast booth before he drowns?
How long will it take Brady to live down the infamous goat picture?
*Yes, we know we're late. Okay?