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Friday, December 09, 2005

Joey Harrington, Curveball Boy, and El Grande Albino Rat

Sam: Anyways, yeah, football. Garcia starts this weekend. And we're playing the hated Viqueens. And Dre Bly threw Joey under the bus, and at least half the team privately agrees with him. And Joey, being the big man that he is, says that he's not even going to dignify it with a response and doesn't require an apology from Dre and oh oh oh oh.

And the new head coach went to my high school.

Mer: Seriously, though - there's no way Harrington is a Lion next season, right?

Sam: I don't know. I mean, yes, there are ways that he's a Lion next season, particularly if Garcia is hurt, or if Millen really is high on Joey like he says he is. But with the rest of the team as it is... Idon't know.

I get this horrible sinking feeling that they're going to do what they've done in the past AGAIN though, and take some poor QB in the draft and then proceed to ruin him by throwing him into the fire right away, with no veteran leadership or anything. This is what they did to Joey, actually.

Beth: Can you tell me, Sam, since I'm not familiar, why you're attached to Harrington? It seems like some people would rather see a different quarterback for the Lions. Why do you think he should stay?

Sam: Oh boy. The rundown.

1. He was a great quarterback in college. I know that definitely does not always translate, especially with system quarterbacks (see: The Future of Timmy Chang), but I do think Joey's still got the stuff to be quite good in the pros. He was introduced to the league by the Lions very poorly, as is their wont, and never had a chance to learn behind anyone.

2. He's been suffering under a forced use of the West Coast Offense,when he is not and never has been a WCO quarterback, and his receivers are not really WCO receivers (i.e. they're much too delicate, apparently, to take the hits that those short lateral passes entail).This was purely Mooch's fault.

3. Despite all the talk about how he's too soft for the league, and too, I don't even know, refined (there was that whole 'champagne guy vs. beer guy' crap, thank you Tony Siragusa you asshole) for football, he's been one of the most resilient QBs out there, going out and continuing to play week after week despite the fact that his offensive line has, for the most part, been crap, and he's been getting hit hard, and hit a lot.

4. I think he's in love with his center. Seriously. They go to amusement parks together and everything. And Dom(inic Raiola, the center) was out for part of this season with some sort of mild heart murmur... a problem that Joey had had EXACTLY THE SAME about a season earlier. So in love.

5. He's a classical pianist.

6. He's very pretty.

Mer: Sorry Sam, I think the last two reasons were really meant for your "Why I Love Dhani Jones" list.

Sam: Dhani plays the piano too? IS HE ALSO A HUGE DORKY JASON MRAZ FAN LIKE JOEY IS?

Mer: I think he does, yes. He loves classical music...or so he says. I'm becoming convinced his whole persona is a ploy to get laid.

Though I met a friend of a friend while at home and learned that both his parents are doctors and that in school he got excellent grades.

Stalker? Yes.

If Dhani liked Jason Mraz I might have to break up with him.

Sam: MEREDITH HE MADE HIS OWN ART DEGREE AT U OF M ALSO HE LIVED IN THE RC WHICH IS LIKE WHERE THE HIPPIES LIVE. It's all true, not a front.

Beth: Hm. Very interesting. But if you want a team with as troubled a track record as the Lions to really contend, wouldn't it be good to get a more adaptable, strong quarterback who doesn't "need to learn"? I mean, whether or not his problems are his fault, he still might suck--it might help the team to replace him.

Also...I already shared this with Kristen but had to share more.

Remember the guy I told you about who is hot and stuff? I broke my stress ball today. He has a collection. I asked if I could borrow one. He was going to throw me one and he said very seriously, can you catch? And I said yeah and he said, no really, can you catch? And I said yeah and he said I'm going to throw you a curveball, ready and I said ok and I don't know if you remember but he was a pitcher in college so anyway he took the stressball and put his hand like this and then put it up behind his head like this and looked at me like how brandon backe is looking in that picture and then very very gently but with impeccable technique he threw me a 12-6 curveball with this stressball and I felt a blush creep all the way up from my shoulders up my neck into my face and I blushed so hard I could feel my cheeks glowing like rudolph's nose and the more I tried not to blush the more I blushed and holy crap it was horrible yet wonderful.

And that's what happened.

Sam: Beth, that's OK. In class last night we weren't doing anything,and I've been sewing little models of the AIDS virus for my finalproject (don't ask). I had a few of them in class to show the teacher I'd been doing something, and they're about the size of a baseball because I've been using a baseball as a template. Since we had nothing to do, I was playing catch with one of them with this kid in my class (who is, sadly a Yankee fan). Good times, until he started throwing knuckleballs. The balls are stuffed, so he could really get an amazing grip on them by digging in. They had ZERO spin on them, it was scary. I nearly embarassed myself with excitement.

Beth: So did you find yourself fighting the urge to take a running flying leap at him?

Sam: No. He is, as I said, a Yankees fan. The knuckeballs were exciting, but I'm not CRAZY.

Anyway, This is the problem. The only QBs the Lions are ABLE to get are kids out of college, who need to learn, and old broken down crapmachines like El Grande Albino Rat, Mr. Jeff Garcia.

They're not going to beable to get some adaptable, strong QB just out of nowhere, because no such sane QB would come to Detroit. It's Joey or bust for right now so far as I can tell. And unless the team rallies around him, and unless management lets him start playing the game as he knows how to play it, it'll be bust.

Beth: I don't get it, though. I mean, you guys have good players. Like Damien Woody. We could sure as fuck use that guy right now. What's the issue?

Sam: Our receivers can't catch. Oh, and our offensive line SUCKS. Hard to do anything without an O-line. We have no running game due to a combo of the O-line and an inexplicable refusal to play Kevin Jones.

It's hard to say what the real problem is, though, except that we're the Detroit Lions and that's just kind of how it goes, you know?

(actually the real problem is that ownership *cough*TheFords*cough* doesn't know how to, and may not in fact want to win)

Beth: Yeah, the Ford family are not my favorite people.

Kristen: //El Grande Albino Rat//

GODDAMN HAZELNUT COFFEE ON THE KEYBOARD.

I love the seamless transitions from the Lions quarterbacking situation to cute boys and knuckleballs. We are the coolest girls ever.




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