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Friday, December 09, 2005

Joey Harrington, Curveball Boy, and El Grande Albino Rat

Sam: Anyways, yeah, football. Garcia starts this weekend. And we're playing the hated Viqueens. And Dre Bly threw Joey under the bus, and at least half the team privately agrees with him. And Joey, being the big man that he is, says that he's not even going to dignify it with a response and doesn't require an apology from Dre and oh oh oh oh.

And the new head coach went to my high school.

Mer: Seriously, though - there's no way Harrington is a Lion next season, right?

Sam: I don't know. I mean, yes, there are ways that he's a Lion next season, particularly if Garcia is hurt, or if Millen really is high on Joey like he says he is. But with the rest of the team as it is... Idon't know.

I get this horrible sinking feeling that they're going to do what they've done in the past AGAIN though, and take some poor QB in the draft and then proceed to ruin him by throwing him into the fire right away, with no veteran leadership or anything. This is what they did to Joey, actually.

Beth: Can you tell me, Sam, since I'm not familiar, why you're attached to Harrington? It seems like some people would rather see a different quarterback for the Lions. Why do you think he should stay?

Sam: Oh boy. The rundown.

1. He was a great quarterback in college. I know that definitely does not always translate, especially with system quarterbacks (see: The Future of Timmy Chang), but I do think Joey's still got the stuff to be quite good in the pros. He was introduced to the league by the Lions very poorly, as is their wont, and never had a chance to learn behind anyone.

2. He's been suffering under a forced use of the West Coast Offense,when he is not and never has been a WCO quarterback, and his receivers are not really WCO receivers (i.e. they're much too delicate, apparently, to take the hits that those short lateral passes entail).This was purely Mooch's fault.

3. Despite all the talk about how he's too soft for the league, and too, I don't even know, refined (there was that whole 'champagne guy vs. beer guy' crap, thank you Tony Siragusa you asshole) for football, he's been one of the most resilient QBs out there, going out and continuing to play week after week despite the fact that his offensive line has, for the most part, been crap, and he's been getting hit hard, and hit a lot.

4. I think he's in love with his center. Seriously. They go to amusement parks together and everything. And Dom(inic Raiola, the center) was out for part of this season with some sort of mild heart murmur... a problem that Joey had had EXACTLY THE SAME about a season earlier. So in love.

5. He's a classical pianist.

6. He's very pretty.

Mer: Sorry Sam, I think the last two reasons were really meant for your "Why I Love Dhani Jones" list.

Sam: Dhani plays the piano too? IS HE ALSO A HUGE DORKY JASON MRAZ FAN LIKE JOEY IS?

Mer: I think he does, yes. He loves classical music...or so he says. I'm becoming convinced his whole persona is a ploy to get laid.

Though I met a friend of a friend while at home and learned that both his parents are doctors and that in school he got excellent grades.

Stalker? Yes.

If Dhani liked Jason Mraz I might have to break up with him.


Beth: Hm. Very interesting. But if you want a team with as troubled a track record as the Lions to really contend, wouldn't it be good to get a more adaptable, strong quarterback who doesn't "need to learn"? I mean, whether or not his problems are his fault, he still might suck--it might help the team to replace him.

Also...I already shared this with Kristen but had to share more.

Remember the guy I told you about who is hot and stuff? I broke my stress ball today. He has a collection. I asked if I could borrow one. He was going to throw me one and he said very seriously, can you catch? And I said yeah and he said, no really, can you catch? And I said yeah and he said I'm going to throw you a curveball, ready and I said ok and I don't know if you remember but he was a pitcher in college so anyway he took the stressball and put his hand like this and then put it up behind his head like this and looked at me like how brandon backe is looking in that picture and then very very gently but with impeccable technique he threw me a 12-6 curveball with this stressball and I felt a blush creep all the way up from my shoulders up my neck into my face and I blushed so hard I could feel my cheeks glowing like rudolph's nose and the more I tried not to blush the more I blushed and holy crap it was horrible yet wonderful.

And that's what happened.

Sam: Beth, that's OK. In class last night we weren't doing anything,and I've been sewing little models of the AIDS virus for my finalproject (don't ask). I had a few of them in class to show the teacher I'd been doing something, and they're about the size of a baseball because I've been using a baseball as a template. Since we had nothing to do, I was playing catch with one of them with this kid in my class (who is, sadly a Yankee fan). Good times, until he started throwing knuckleballs. The balls are stuffed, so he could really get an amazing grip on them by digging in. They had ZERO spin on them, it was scary. I nearly embarassed myself with excitement.

Beth: So did you find yourself fighting the urge to take a running flying leap at him?

Sam: No. He is, as I said, a Yankees fan. The knuckeballs were exciting, but I'm not CRAZY.

Anyway, This is the problem. The only QBs the Lions are ABLE to get are kids out of college, who need to learn, and old broken down crapmachines like El Grande Albino Rat, Mr. Jeff Garcia.

They're not going to beable to get some adaptable, strong QB just out of nowhere, because no such sane QB would come to Detroit. It's Joey or bust for right now so far as I can tell. And unless the team rallies around him, and unless management lets him start playing the game as he knows how to play it, it'll be bust.

Beth: I don't get it, though. I mean, you guys have good players. Like Damien Woody. We could sure as fuck use that guy right now. What's the issue?

Sam: Our receivers can't catch. Oh, and our offensive line SUCKS. Hard to do anything without an O-line. We have no running game due to a combo of the O-line and an inexplicable refusal to play Kevin Jones.

It's hard to say what the real problem is, though, except that we're the Detroit Lions and that's just kind of how it goes, you know?

(actually the real problem is that ownership *cough*TheFords*cough* doesn't know how to, and may not in fact want to win)

Beth: Yeah, the Ford family are not my favorite people.

Kristen: //El Grande Albino Rat//


I love the seamless transitions from the Lions quarterbacking situation to cute boys and knuckleballs. We are the coolest girls ever.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Well, we tried

Sam: Figured we all needed a little time to recover from the varied horrors of recent football.

Thanks, Dre Bly. Just. Thanks.

How're you kids holdin' up?


Thornton just got traded to the Sharks for Marco Sturm, Wayne Primeau, and Brad Stuart.

Kristen, are you ok?

Monday, November 21, 2005

Back in Black (and Blue, and, uh, Eagles Green)

Sam: I know I've been a bit slack, for which I apologize... this semester is DESTROYING MY SOUL and I haven't had more than 5 hours of sleep in a night since... um. Early September, I think. I haven't had more than 3 hours per night in at least a week and a half. Yay art school.

But I am determined that we should talk football!

Mer, are you, um, alright? You've got Mike McMahon now! He's, uh. Well. He can throw real hard. Yeah. Hard. Mike McMahon. Former Lion.

I'm not sure about where they're being broadcast, but I would vigorously encourage ALL OF YOU to watch the Michigan/Ohio State game at 1pm on Saturday and the Lions/Falcons Thanksgiving Day game on, uh, Thanksgiving. And this way, you'll know ahead of time if I'm going to be suicidal or not. [boy, that worked out well, huh?]

As for the Turkey Day game, well, it's tradition, and there's always the slight slight chance that we'll win, and how often do you kids get to see the Lions play anyways? Not very often, I reckon. You should take advantage of the opportunity to view this majestic squad while you are able. I've no idea if/where that's being broadcast, as I haven't watched it on TV since before I was old enough to know what was going on.

Kristen: Well, Sam, according to my handy TV guide thingie, the Falcons/Atlanta game is on Fox on Thanksgiving and I'll be able to see it. So I will. So there you go. The OSU/Michigan game is on ABC on Saturday which I also get but Saturday night is my big, ginormous birthday party so I'm not sure how around and in front of a television I'll be. I will, however, be rooting for Michigan in spirit because of you. And, you know, Tom Brady.

Do you think Brady and Vrabel give each other shit constantly about the whole Michigan/OSU thing?

Also, Mer, have you completely given up on the Eagles and give the Flyers all your love? 'Cause I probably wouldn't blame you. Goddamn.

Samara? I don't understand the addition the your sig there. "Miami Dolphins-- 2005 Defending Team That Actually Beat the Pats Last Season." What the hell are you talking about? Beth will concur. We never lost to the Dolphins last year. The game was called on account of blindness when people looked directly into the jerseys of the Dolphins players. Don't you remember?

Beth: Yeah, that whole thing is weird. Why does everyone keep talking about this game that never happened?

Meanwhile, I'm not sure what we can hope for out of any of our teams this year. I have a terrible feeling this may be the year the Indianapolis Martyr's Brigade actually hits the big time. Which, gag me.

Sam: Kristen, that sig line's been there for a while now... my mom appreciates it. Every Sunday I get a call from home as soon as the Lions game ends so that my dad can talk about it, and usually my mother gets on the phone after him to gripe about the Dolphins. Heh.

Beth, I don't know what you're talking about. DETROIT LIONS GON' WIN DA NFC NORTH, HOS! GON' BEAT DOWN DA BEARS! OR SOMETHING!

Mer: football? huh? wha? Don't know what you're talking about.

Honestly, though, football has provided nothing but misery lately. Living in Dallas, and working at a goddamn sports station, at a time when the Cowboys are better than the Eagles is one of the worst experiences ever. It had better be short lived or my health and sanity are in danger.

Go Flyers!

Sam: Well, look to this SUNDAY then, when the Cowboys take on the RED HOT DETROIT LIONS. Root Honolulu Blue and Silver, my friends. Root it hard.

Kristen: Sam, you really should be doing promo ads for ESPN or something. [I assume this was a sage commentary on my CAPITILAZATIONIZED OPTIMISM]

Beth: i'm going to the pats game sunday. [you can read her recap of the outing here] playing NO so hopefully it'll be a W. gotta keep up my win percentage at Gillette (which I believe is almost perfect).

where are the pats going this year? thoughts? is indy going to stay undefeated? if they do, what form of hari-kiri shall we perform?

Kristen: The only time I will ever, ever, ever in my life root for Pittsburgh is when they play Indy. Because I hate the Colts with the white hot passion of a thousand exploding suns.

Plus, their schedule is a joke.

Beth: i knew their early schedule was crap, but does it continue to be a cakewalk? can anyone besides pittsburgh beat them? and what do you think the future is for the pats? what about the eagles, also? will they pull together now that TO's gone? or will they miss his performance too much?

Interesting article here about the Pittsburgh defense.

oh, and here's my dire patriots prediction:

if tom brady keeps getting hit like he has been this season, he'll be hurt before it's over. in fact, his probable rating leads me to believe he's ALREADY hurt but playing through it. but he could conceivably have to sit out if he keeps getting effin pancaked like that chewing-gum-and-bailing-wire O-line has been allowing.

Sam: I haven't been following the Pats as closely so far this year... Lions and Wolverines have been more than enough to frazzle my brain, football-wise. So I don't know... how bad is the O-line? That's a HUGE part of why the Colts are where they are right now, their O-line kicks ass. And it's a HUGE part of the Lions' issues... it doesn't matter who they have at QB so long as the O-line continues to suck wind. The games they do well in are the games where the O-lines sucks it up and the QB (Joey OR Garcia, it matters not) has time to look around and throw before he's hurled to the turf.

I realize that's not exactly revolutionary or anything, the importance of your offensive line, but I'm just sayin'.

Beth: yeah, i mean, a lot of it is due to injuries, esp. matt light, protecting brady's blind side, but tom brady has been taking some SHOTS this season. i mean, punishing, punishing hits, and repeatedly. i know he's a tough guy, esp. for a qb, but it keeps happening and happening. now, watching games i'm sort of on pins and needles waiting for that hit to come, and when it does, i'm gnawing my fingernails waiting for him to get up. it's happening more often than i can remember since he's been the starter, and yeah, it makes me really worried.

Sam: You should see what Joey puts up with. I'm really shocked, when I actually stop to think about it, that he's not hurt, or that he's not hurt enough to keep him from playing, anyways. It's not just that he gets flattened-- he gets flattened EVERY DAMN WEEK, repeatedly throughout the game.

So I'm sayin', yeah, Tommy might be getting knocked around, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's going to herniate on us. Sorry Mer. But if Joey Harrington, who at least half the league dismisses as 'too soft', can take it...

Beth: why is he listed as "probable" then?

Kristen: He's listed as probable every week. I think he's been listed as probable every week since last season. I started to freak out about that too until I realized that they always do that.

Sorry I've been non-responsive today. Our internet at work is spotty and I'm slowly going insane.

Beth: sok. i am clearly a dumbass. he has been getting hit a lot, tho. and he's pretty much magic, but not superhuman. i worry. i worry about that tommy, i do.

i was watching three games to glory iii last night and came across something i'd missed--before the game vs. the colts when everyone was picking the colts, there's this shot of brady coming out through the tunnel for his warm ups and as he comes out and the whole crowd goes nuts he raises his arms up and basks in the cheer like a gladiator and omg so fucking awesome and hot and i think my loins just exploded even thinking about it.

Mer: now that the eagles suck ass and get off on making girls cry, I'm only good for the occassional football talk. here it is for today:

Dhani Jones! Reviewing movies! And being hot!

Sam: "Ladies, get your camera phones ready."


There are a few guys in sports that I can't get over... like, every time I think I've become accustomed to how awesome they are, they made me giddy with awesomeity all over again. Dudes like Brad Ausmus or Brandon Inge... and Dhani Jones, natch.

Beth: my guys like that are tedy [bruschi], tommy [brady], and curt. and probably tito [francona]. i know what you mean.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Speak of the Very Devil

Image hosted by Photobucket.comBeth: It comes down to Vinatieri again? Against a Vickless Atlanta team?


Ha ha I've never seen a team shoot themselves in the foot worse than the Ravens did today. Two guys ejected, and I don't even know how many yards on penalties. They played dirtier than the Raiders at their heyday.

Beth: Then you obviously weren't watching the Patriots. *glowers*

Kristen: My favorite thing about the Ravens/Lions game highlights was all the various Ravens players standing around and watching Kevin Jones run down the field. Whistle, wha?

Also, isn't Mer at this Philly/Dallas game? If so, I'd be on the lookout for mushroom clouds from Texas.

Beer, Mer. Lots and lots of beer.

Sam: Beth, I don't care what the Patriots did, it can't have been anything like tying for second place in the all-time NFL record for most yardson penalties in a game.

Beth: I was not aware there was a record, Sam, and of course I was being facetious anyway. But the Pats really did make what should've been a blowout all too interesting, and I'm frustrated with them.

*switches to FOX in anticipation of Yankees game*

Ooh, no wonder we haven't heard from Mer.

Mer: (speak of the very Devil) I have perhaps never had so little fun on a Sunday afternoon. The game was over by the time we finished fighting the atrocious Dallas traffic and made it to our tiny seats in the pit that is Texas Stadium.

Too many things to say, most of which I need to save for a blog entry. But I will say this: for as much shit as Cowboys fans like to talk about how "terrible" Eagles fans are, they really are no different. They cheer injuries to opposing players, they taunt fans, and they swear in front of children. Hypocricy is fun to witness. (Speaking of hypocricy, my favorite was when a bunch of fans left with 6 minutes left in the 4th quarter. All the Cowboys fans stood to jeer the Birds fans who were leaving. One minute later, most of those Cowboys fans who had just been talking smack got up and left too. That was my favorite part of the day, not including the Sheldon Brown fumble recovery returned for a TD.)

Also, a little boy of no more than 10 was sitting in front of me wearing a Cowboys jersey and Yankee hat. He is destined for a long life of douchbaginess. That kid is everything that is wrong with frontrunning sports fans.

I'd also like to point out that since 2001, the Birds are 1-4 in games played the week before their bye. Normally that might be a pointless stat, but given how good their record has been in those years, one has to think that there might be something to. Either way, I'm not pleased.

Beth: I heard that week before the bye stat. Do you know why that might be? Just a coincidence? How do other teams in the league stack up with that stat? Does anyone even care, though? Seems like the kind of thing sportscasters drag out of their butts in garbage time. You're right about their record being good anyway...but I'm sure even if they were in the toilet, you'd want to beat the Cowboys, and it still sucks.

Mer: The only reason that stat concerns me is because the the losses have all been the same type: the kind where the Eagles never really show up. It suggest a lack of mental perparation as the team looks ahead to the bye week. I know that this year is different - McNabb clearly looked uncomfortable and hurt out there. But still, something about this team's mental preparation worries me. Another example: Last week they were extremely timid in the first half, allowing KC to build a nice lead. By all accounts, the Eagles were confident during halftime that they would win the game...they say they didn't go over X's and O's but instead they just talked about how mentally they weren't in it and that in the second half, they would be. I knew immediately after last week's game that today's game was going to be a disaster. How many times can you only show up for half of a game and still win before it bites you in the ass?

Sam: Apropos of nothing, I've got to admit, Chad Johnson's touchdown anticsare growing on me. Today he gave the ball CPR in the endzone. It's funny if he's not doing it against your team, although I am also dead certain they're in direct violation of the league's "you're not supposed to think about it beforehand, celebrations are only OK if they're not planned" stance.

Kristen: This is a simple question that I missed sometime last week but what, exactly, was everyone's problem with Brady's interview following the San Diego game? I just watched it and I don't understand the issue.

Beth: I don't get it either. I've read it, I've listened to it, and I've watched the video, and I don't understand. I think they so badly WANT him to lose his cool at this point they're seizing on whatever they can get.

Meanwhile: This just in.

Kristen: Obviously, I don't wish the man health trouble, but I have to wonder, how the hell has he been coach of that team for so long?

It's been a long time since we rapped at ya

But we've had pressing baseball matters to attend to.

Suddenly SeymourSam: OK ladies: Cadillac. Is he for real? I mean, obviously he's for real, what with being the best rookie RB in, oh, the entire bloodyhistory of the game. But can he keep it up down the stretch? I tend to think 'no', but then again I tend to think like that for every rookie until he explicitly proves otherwise. Also, Michigan/Michigan State on Saturday. I cannot adequately explain how ill this will make me if we lose.

Beth: I don't really know how to judge Cadillac, although that's quite the nickname. Personally I think RB is the most brutal, horrible position in the game. Most of them don't last too long anyway.


A coworker of mine told me this story when we were driving back from New York. He used to have to go to Texas on business quite a bit, and also had some acquaintances in the area. Once, on a trip he was visiting one of their houses, and the acquaintance went to have a "conference" with his neighbor that lasted quite a while.

The town was in an uproar over the high school football coach. The coach's son was the starting and star quarterback. The parents of the backup cried nepotism, and made a stink about their son getting to play. Such a stink, in fact, that there were board of education meetings and town-wide debate sessions.

Eventually, the coach was ordered--twice--to play the backup. He refused. His son played. And then, when things became too much for him to bear, the coach quit.

At the time my coworker's acquaintance was discussing this with his neighbor, the townspeople were so angry with the coach they planned to go to the state board of education and get his teaching license revoked so he could never again work or teach in a school in the state of Texas.

They were unsuccessful, and the coach and his family moved to another town and started over. The son was quickly the star quarterback there, too.

What my coworker told me was that the son, the star quarterback, was Ty Detmer.

Let me also say I love Adam Vinatieri. Even when he's in ridiculously bad Papa Gino's commercials. I want to hug him for seven straight years. Then, sex.

Kristen: Seriously, that man is responsible for me buying an obscene amount of Papa Gino's.

Sam: Well Ty Detmer was great, GREAT in college. In the pros, he's bouncedaround, and he was one of the single worst backup QBs in Detroit Lions history which, considering the team, is really saying something.Man, I hate that the Sox are having a day game. There's only so muchintense rivalry I can take at one time, and flipping betweenYankees/Sox and Michigan/MSU is not going to be a good scene.Oh and by the way, ladies, Baby Vick is having a monster day forwhatever the hell Virginia school he plays at. He runs just as well as his big brother does.


Kristen: Richard Seymour?Wha?


I'm going to start weeping now, like, for real.

They killed my Patriot baby daddy!


I just...I just don't know anymore.

He went out with a knee injury and had a brace on it and I'm not sure if he played again. According to the idiot on the sideline, he's "okay" but who knows?

Football makes me want to cry this week. I'm going to weep real tears.

Sam: Kristen, don't even. You don't know what the Lions did today. Orwhat was done to the Lions today. As my brother (who wasn't watchingthe game but kept on checking the score) said:

"I saw that they were up 19-17 in the 4th. Then I saw that they wereback to 13 again."

I'm not sure how to even describe the disaster of that game. Thenumber of times that the Lions have had victory IN THEIR JAWS only tohave it SNATCHED CRUELLY AWAY... unbelievable. Un fucking believable.

And now one of my friends is threatening to go jump off the bell towerbecause of it. Sigh.

Beth:'s really hard for me to break out of obsession from one to the other. I'm hardly thinking of football because of thinking about baseball.

Kristen: Yeah, I'm with you, Beth. I am firmly in baseball mode today and the Pats' score is like an unpleasant footnote. It's like I've diagnosed the problem: without Harrison and Seymour, you can't stop the run, let alone Tomlinson. So there you go. Now fix it and win some goddamn football games. And now back to baseball. Poor Pats.

Beth: Cold, Hard Football Facts says the Pats are cooked. They make great points about the importance of Rodney Harrison in the Pats' defense, and in the context of the other injuries / absences, things truly do look dire.

And how bout them Bengals?

Mer: Because I'm too lazy to check anywhere else - what's up with Seymour this Sunday?

Also, I will be in attendance, thanks to free tix from my work, this Sunday for Cowboys vs Eagles. Combine that with the fact that it has finally gotten cold (aka under 80 degrees) here and I am one happy girl.

Beth: Unknown re Seymour. Meanwhile, Bill Simmons RULES:

We need to slow down with this Bengals thing. Seriously, slow the heck down. It's a nice story, they're clearly headed for the playoffs and President Palmer is for real. Heck, they might be headed for a second seed, mainly because their schedule makes Indy's schedule look grueling by comparison. But breaking out clips of the Triplets because Cincy trounced the Browns, Vikings and Bears ... seriously, that's embarrassing. I can't accept this. I won't accept this.

Kristen: I heart Bill Simmons.

And if Richard Seymour goes down, I'm retreating to my bedroom armed with my bathrobe, the Pats championships DVDs and fifteen cans of Pringles. And I'm not coming out until hockey playoffs start.

Beth: Can I come too?

Kristen: Yes. We can build a fort out of all our commemorative championship t-shirts and hoodies.

Beth: Cool. I have an architectural drawing of Gillette Stadium, too. We could either roll it up and use it as a tent pole or we could spread it out and it could be the floor.

Kristen: We are so gonna have the coolest fort around. We can put those "nasty knit caps" that we both have on the doorknob to signal when we need food.

Beth: Seriously. I also have a Super bowl XXXVIII Champions mini banner we can use as a signal flag. Or fly like the Jolly Roger.

And of course enough Tommy pictures to last us through the winter.

Kristen: Alternatively, we could just steal Richard Seymour's suit and live quite comfortably in that.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Football rivalries, is there such a thing?

This discussion was prompted by a question from a football-neophyte:

"Do all Pats fans hate the Steelers as much as you?”

So we asked, “We're inundated with the idea of a rivalry in baseball, why doesn't anyone ever talk about it in football?”

And away we go!

Beth: I think they talk about with the Pack and the Vikes. And, uh...hmm. Other than that, I'm not sure.

Personally, it's hard to pick whether I dislike the Colts or the Steelers more. I think I *fear* the Steelers more. I also have unpleasant encounters with Steelers fandom, but I haven't, to my knowledge, ever really interacted with a Colts fan.

Oh, wait. Last year on opening day, I did. But after a couple of volleys of trash-talk, he didn't say much.

So I'd have to say I dislike the Steelers more.

And I DO dislike them. Very, very much. But I don't HATE them the way I hate the Yankees. That's it's own special kind of hate.

As for why there are more baseball rivalries, there are more games. Each team has to play its division opponents 19 times in every regular season. The Patriots play each team in its division one time, and then as for the rest of the league, they rarely ever meet them in the regular season at all. The opponents change from year to year. There isn't a lot of time to get good and riled up together the way there is in baseball.

The other thing that creates a rivalry is for two places to have ire for one another before there's even a sport there. Like Boston and New York--we've had issues since the pilgrims.

Green Bay and Minnesota have that geographical thing going on--and Green Bay doesn't have a baseball team. These are also two highly cold-weather, hard-nosed, football-inclined states. They also regularly contend for the same division. One team has won several championships, while the other has made it to the mountaintop and failed. These may be general ingredients in any rivalry.

As for Boston or New York, football can't get a word in edgewise on baseball, just because baseball's been around longer, and we're two historically aware, intellectual cities.

On principle, I dislike the Jets, but in my personal recollection, what have they ever done to us?

I SHOULD dislike the NY football Giants because that's the football team most Yankees fans follow, but whatever. They're in the NFC.

Meredith: Speaking of rivalries, I think the reason rivalries never stay as strong in football are because teams don't stay good for long enough. For example, ask older Cowboys fans and they'll tell you that the Redskins are their biggest rival. However, both teams have been pretty bad for a while now, so the "rivalry" barely exists. Ask anyone in Philadelphia, and they'll tell you that "Dallas Sucks." Toddlers in Philly learn to say that immediately following "mommy" and "daddy." But Dallas has been a pretty terrible team for a while, so on their end, it isn't much of a rivalry anymore. When a team goes 5-11 for several years, rivalries die because...well...if you know you can't beat your rival, what is the point in having one?

Of course, the Eagles could go 0-16 for a decade and Philadelphians would still hate the Cowboys and their fans with a white hot hate. It goes back to the days of Tom Landry and the very cocky nickname, "America's Team." There was the player strike of 1987. Philly, a union city, had a bunch of replacement players when they played the Cowboys at the beginning of their season, and the Cowboys had Danny White, Tony Dorsett, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, Randy White (three of whom I've met for work related purposes, by the way, and fought through the bile that was forcing its way up my throat as I spoke to them), all of whom broke rank immediately after the strike began. So obviously the Cowboys would win. But Tom Landry had a healthy lead at the half and put all of his star players in the game to stop a late Eagles drive that wouldn't have mattered anyway. Buddy Ryan, the Eagles coach, was pissed off and vowed revenge. A couple weeks later, when all of the real players had returned, they met in Philly. The Birds had a 10 point lead in the final minute and the great Randall Cunningham took a knee twice before faking a knee and throwing a long pass that lead to a penalty and eventually, a TD. To Cowboys fans, it was the ultimate insult. To Eagles fans, it was Christmas. Finally, someone had told "America's Team" to shove it. Then, of course, there was the arrival of Jimmy Johnson in Dallas, the Bounty Game, the infamous snowball game, the Michael Irvin injury on the Vet's turf, etc.

When Buddy Ryan became coach of the Eagles, he said at his press conference that he'd been informed that the only important thing, as coach of the Eagles, was that his team beat the Cowboys. Things really haven't much changed since then in Philly.

Have I told ya'll about the time I led a sports bar in Philly in a "Dallas Sucks" chant live on television? Did I know you all then? Ahh, good times.

Beth: I think the Colts/Pats rivalry developed in a similar way, although not with as much personal enmity--kind of a happenstance thing, the teams thrown together, clash of cultures, etc.

Sam: Let's not forget the cocky Vanderjerk gestures, and the fact that most everyone in the universe just assumed Peyton Manning and his Mad Touchdown Skillz couldn't be matched by a QB as unflashy as Tom Brady.

Beth: In fairness, Vanderjerk cocky gestures, yes, but as we've seen, Rodney Harrison et al aren't exactly looked upon more favorably in the rest of the league.

Sam: Well, yeah, but Rodney doesn't 'disrespect' his opponents. He just whines to the point of absurdity about perceived slights. Bit of a difference, that.

Kristen: I think you have a point, Beth, with the need for a clash of cities/cultures/etc. for a real rivalry to take root. And I agree with you, Mer, that the reason football rivalries don’t seem to last is because the teams rarely stay good for a span of generations. So even if my father were to pass down a hatred of, let’s say, for arguments sake, the Bills, I’d look at the records in the past few years and kind of shrug and say, “I guess because they’re in our division, but…Bills?”

But if you asked me right now who the Pats’ rival is, I think I’d have to say Pittsburgh. The Colts are in contention, sure, but they’ve never beaten us when it mattered. Peyton Manning doesn’t scare me anymore. I suppose you could argue that the Steelers haven’t beaten us when it mattered either but they did end the Pats’ streak last year, somehow, we always end up playing on their turf and, like you, Beth, I have to deal with their fans on a regular basis. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a Colts fan.

However, possibly because I let things get to me way too much or I have been listening to far too much Rodney Harrison-type talk, I really, honestly, truly hate the Steelers. Nothing would make me happier for them to lose every remaining game on their schedule. They don’t have the arrogance and cockiness of Yankees fans, but there is something that just doesn’t sit right with me. Maybe it’s a perceived sense of entitlement or something. Like they deserve it because they work SO HARD and their city just loves their team SO MUCH and aren’t they TOUGH and GRRRRR, STEELERS! And yeah, okay, great. But seriously? Shut up. They are also the last people on the planet to admit that maybe, just maybe, the Pats might actually have a freakin’ dynasty. They just don’t want anyone else in their “club.” Obviously, I’m biased, but I really can’t stand them.

Plus, their field keeps breaking our best players.

Monday, September 26, 2005

QB Controversy

Wherein we lay the smack down about which QBs get too much press, which ones don't get enough, and why offensive lineman get no love.

Meredith: Just something I need to get off my chest.

The media's love of Tom Brady is nearing Jeteresque proportions. I mean, "The guy just hates to lose" was the quote de jour yesterday. Are you fucking kidding me? Find me an NFL player, or better yet, a professional athlete, that likes to lose. (Well, aside from Edgar Renteria, of course.) I mean, jesus, say that he's good, say that he rarely makes mistakes, say that when he does make a mistake, the team is good enough to win anyway. But don't embarrass yourselves by claiming that he's good because he "hates to lose."

Whew. Ok, I'm good now.

And yes, David Akers is the man. (And, no, he doesn't resemble Wakefield at all.) Course, had he missed the field goal as he did the extra point, people in Philly would be calling for the head of Andy Reid, but instead, they're erecting David Akers statues on Broad Street. Just one question, though - WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE PRACTICE SQUAD KICKER WE SIGNED IN CASE OF AN AKERS INJURY AND WHY DIDN'T HE PLAY?? Are we waiting until his leg actually does fall off before we help the guy out? That aside, thank god Akers came through when it mattered. He must really hate to lose.

Kristen: I feel ya on the Brady love, Mer. And it's a difficult tightrope because, obviously, being a New England fan, you mostly agree with all the praise and hype, etc. But I find myself saying lately, "How about we talk about someone else?" I actually said last night, whilst mocking the commentators, "Can we talk about someone other than Ben Roethlisberger? Or the Mannings?" My roommate said, "Would you rather they talk about Tom Brady?" And I said, "No, because the rest of the NFL is getting sick of that." Seriously, talk about Drew Brees or something. Talk about Kurt Warner. Talk about Chad "Boy, do I suck" Pennington. It's like I can feel everyone else turning on him and part of me is tempted to just resort to "Neener, neener, you're just jealous" arguments but then the sane part of me knows that's how Yankees fans view Jeter criticism and that realization makes me want to cry tears of woe.

But yeah, I'm pretty sure the only professional athlete who likes to lose is BH Kim.

Beth: Mer, as a Sox fan it should be clear that how the media portrays someone isn't always fair.

Although to be honest, if I hear one more Jeter/Brady comparison, blood is going to shoot out my nose. So, admittedly, I'm not exactly typing this with a clear head.

Meredith: I think you are misunderstanding. Tom Brady isn't like Derek Jeter. The media's portrayal/love of Tom Brady is almost exactly like their portrayal/love of Derek Jeter.

Kristen: Oh yeah, we get that. Hence the blood/nose thing. You want to yell, "STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!"

Beth: Oh. Yeah. That I'll agree with. They do slob his knob quite a bit. But like Kristen said, it's a tough tightrope to walk, because of course, we think every bit as highly of him.

Then again, as you said, "he hates to lose" is a craptastical way of putting it, even from a language standpoint alone. There are, of course, other things you could talk about that would at least be more substantive. Something about his completion percentage that game, or (my favorite stat) yards after contact (he's one of the best). But, yeah "he hates to lose" is right up there with "calm eyes".

Kristen: I will quote my Steelers fan friend here because it was funny: "Exactly how long before the media as a whole just dives open-mouthed at Brady's crotch?"


Sam: QBs we should be talking about who are not named Brady or Manning or Burgererrererrerer:

-Byron Leftwich. For all the bull excrement about 'heart', if such a thing exists, he's got it. I hope we all recall his game in college where he hurt his leg so badly that he couldn't walk. Instead of coming out of the game (I don't think they had a good backup, and it was an important game), he had his offensive linemen CARRY HIM FORWARD AFTER EACH DOWN, and then he'd stand there and throw. He'll still play hurt if he can convince his coaches at all to leave him in.

-Drew Brees. Manning Mark II didn't want his job, he took it, and made the Chargers a contender. I just like that he's showing up a Manning. The signs at the stadium last night were great ("Hey Eli, did your daddy say it was OK to play in San Diego?")

-Gus Frerotte. Don't look now, but the Dolphins are winning again. Of course he's got the Brady deal going, where he has a great, clutch kicker backing him up (Olindo Mare). And the two games they've won so far were both home games so, we'll see.

-Brian Griese. Just you wait.

-Carson Palmer. It's scary that he has weapons out there now. NO BIG CATS ARE ALLOWED TO BE GOOD IF THEY ARE NOT LIONS.

-Michael Vick. ‘Cause, if he can stay healthy, he'll be as good as billed.

QBs we need to shut up about: Brady, anyone named Manning, Brett Favre, Daunte Culpepper and Kyle Orton. What is the love affair with Kyle Orton? God, give it up, Berman.

Beth: Re: the QB about we just shut up about quarterbacks in general? How about we talk linemen? How about we talk defensive backs? How about we talk special teams? Quarterbacks in general get too much glitz and hype.

We could also always talk about the deep-seated sociological reasons for why that is…

Sam: Don't make me start talking about linemen, please. I'll start flipping out about Matt Light being injured and James Hall (my adopted Lion forthe season! Nooooo!) being maybe injured, and I'll just flip out. A lot.

link | posted by Chicks Talk Football at 7:35 PM | |

*weeps uncontrollably*


BREAKING SPORTS NEWS: Patriots defensive back Rodney Harrison will miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL in his left knee, a source told the Globe’s Jerome Solomon. --Developing

Fuckity, fuck, fuck.


I wish I could be more eloquent.

Better Late than Never: Week Three

Kristen: I got a phone call from my brother immediately after Rodney went down:


Then my mom called, "I hate Pittsburgh. I really fucking hate that place."

This is what football does to people. It makes my confident, strong brother scream like a little girl and it makes my polite, feminine mother swear like a construction foreman.

We also decided that Heinz Field is an evil, evil place and it would do well to be demolished. Heinz Field is the site of Brady's twisted ankle in the AFC Championship game in 2001 and Ty Law's broken foot on Halloween of last year. And now whatever is wrong with Rodney and Matt Light also happened at Heinz. I hate that place. I really, really hate that place.

That said, I love Adam Vinatieri.

Hooray for last second field goals and identical scores, eh, Mer?

And because I am a good person and I know that I would reach through the phone and rip their throats out if they did it to me, I refrained from calling my Steelers fan friends and taunting them. I am, however, glad that I elected not to watch the game with them since I'm sure their mothers are lovely people and I wouldn't have wanted to say uncharitable things about them during a bad drive. That said, I let out a giant sigh of relief after that game. I was worried, I really was. Phew. Now bring on the Chargers.

Mer, please back me up on this one. David Akers does not, in any way, resemble Tim Wakefield.

Sam: Dude, I saw what David Akers did today. That was some crazy business. If it had been a bigger, late-season game, they'd be comparing that to the Bloody Sock.

The Giants are currently losing. GOOD. Any Manning loss is a good loss so far as I'm concerned.

I'm pissed that Kurt Warner went down for the Cards and John Navarre still didn't get any playing time. Pooey upon you, McClown.

I still don't want to think about college football for, like, at leastanother week, but I did notice at the time (before the EXTREME WOE setin) that Wisconsin's center, Donovan Raiola, is the little brother ofthe Detroit Lions' center, Dominic Raiola. Cute. Would have been cuter if that information had been noticed in the midst of a Wolverines victory.

Beth: Matt Light AND Rodney Harrison?

Dudes, it's not the league that doesn't want the Pats to threepeat. It's God Himself.

Kristen: I repeat: FUCK Pittsburgh.

Also, that will be a regular season loss for Ben Roaerneanrgtiaenrgaergeargburger. It will also be an end to the Steelers streak. Pittsburgh loses at life.

SportsDesk has me all hyped up again.

As Brady ran into the Patriot locker room, he could be heard shouting,
''They hate us. They hate us here. But we love it."

This amuses me to no end because I can so picture him screaming that in his high-pitched, white boy-as-badass voice.

And then somewhere, Rodney comes out of the locker room on crutches, but wearing a lime green pimp suit and says, "You dammmmn right."

Beth: Where'd you get that quote, Kristen?

Kristen: Globe. CHB article. But I thought it was funny.

Beth: It is funny. And now I am relieved of my curiosity to read the rest of the piece.

Kristen: That was pretty much the only good part. It was a standard "Tom Brady is God" piece.

Beth: Well, those I have no problem with.

Kristen: Does it make me a bad person that I enjoy this photo immensely?

Image hosted by

Beth: That's a negative.

The (Now) Infamous Rodney Harrison Discussion

Beth: I read something in Sports Illustrated about the first five-game stretch for the Patriots:

Inside the NFL: Sched-ache
The Patriots gear up for arguably the toughest five-game regular-season stretch in the history of the NFL
By Peter King

If you know Bill Belichick, you can bet the Patriots' coach is going to stand up in front of his players this week, hold up the team's game schedule and say something like, "Can you believe what this league is doing to us? The NFL doesn't want us to win, and here's the proof."

Belichick will be talking about the five-game stretch that begins on Sunday at Carolina (7-9 last year) and continues through Oct. 16 with games at Pittsburgh (15-1), at home against San Diego (12-4), at Atlanta (11-5) and at Denver (10-6). According to the Elias Sports Bureau, no other NFL team has ever had a five-game run in which four games were on the road and the five opponents averaged 11 wins or better in the previous season.

That brutal slate of games has some New England players thinking there's a conspiracy against them. "The league doesn't want us to threepeat," says safety Rodney Harrison. "What type of schedule has anyone ever had like that?"

"[The league] wants parity," adds linebacker Mike Vrabel, with a snicker. "We got the memo on that one. I think Paul Tagliabue delivered it himself."

The late NFL scheduling czar, Val Pinchbeck, liked to pit good teams against good teams and mediocre against mediocre early in the season, to keep as many clubs as possible in the playoff hunt. But that's not what happened this season, according to Howard Katz, the league's senior vice president of media operations, who oversees the team of NFL officials and computer consultants in charge of configuring the schedule. Katz describes a perfect storm of circumstances that led to the Pats' tough first two months.

"There was absolutely no conspiracy against the Patriots," he says. "Was there ever the sentiment, 'Let's make it tough for them'? I can promise you there was not."

For instance, the way divisions are rotated in the schedule formula, AFC West teams had the AFC East and NFC East as two scheduling partners this year, meaning those West Coast clubs have to make multiple cross-country trips. Teams want those trips spaced out over the season, and the best schedule Katz & Co. could devise sent AFC West champ San Diego to Foxborough on Oct. 2.

"I wish I could tell you it's an exact science," says Katz. "But the schedule is a huge jigsaw puzzle, with many solutions. How do we solve the puzzle by making a TV schedule that maximizes ratings and has competitive balance fair to the teams? That's what we try to do."

A difficult start to the 2002 season helped doom New England's first attempt to repeat as NFL champion. In the first six weeks the Patriots played teams with a combined '01 record of 57-39. New England struggled to a 3-3 start, finished 9-7 and missed the playoffs. This year, at least, the Pats had a Week 1 breather, a 30-20 win over the Raiders at home last Thursday night. Still, if they want home field advantage in January, they likely will have to win at least three of the next five games.

After that, New England has only three games against teams that won 10 or more in 2004, one with the Colts and a pair against the Jets.

But, really, I don't understand why we're going to complain about the Pats schedule. If they're as good a team as they're supposed to be, it won't be a problem - just another challenge to overcome. But it's one thing for us to moan and groan about it and quite another for the players (RODNEY HARRISON) to do it. Just shut up and win the damn football game, man. I don't want to hear that whining. How un-Patriots-like. "The league doesn't want us to win". Buddy, the Pats I know don't give a fuck what anyone else wants.

Mer: I don't so much get around to reading most blogs anymore, but please tell me rodney harrison didn't say that the league doesn't want them to win.


Kristen: I'm kind of in that frame of mind right now where I want to be illogical and whiny and bitchy and I hate everyone and I don't want anyone to tell me I'm wrong because I want to take my ball and go home. Only part of it is sports-related. But that's just where it's manifesting itself.

Rodney Harrison says shit like that all the time. He uses it to motivate. I have no problem with him continuing to do that. Although, obviously, they're going to need to win the fucking games. He said that before last year's Super Bowl and EVERYONE thought they were going to win. It's his mind game. I have no problem with it. He's one of the only players on the team who I wouldn't have kicked squarely in the crotch after last Sunday's performance.

*Kristen and Beth proceed to fight with knives. It's all very loose and random and weird and owing much to bad moods in general, but things get testy.

What's funny about this is that, later, Beth will be discussing this with another acquaintance, and she will explain to him that she and her friend Kristen got irritable with each other due to a disagreement about the Patriots' schedule in the early part of the football season and comments about it made in the media by Rodney Harrison, and she is sure to also point out that "These are all chicks, the ones fighting about football. Nary a penis in the lot."


Kristen: ESPN is onto Rodney. Admittedly, this made me laugh:

How the Patriots Were Disrespected This Week ...

(Tracking the constant disrespect of the New England Patriots, who -- if my calculations are correct -- have been acknowledged as one of the greatest teams ever in any sport by only a mere 94.887% of the sports media and just 92.1148256% of the general population ... a slap in the face that will not stand!)

Uh ... hello! Isn't this week's disrespect obvious? The Panthers daring to finish a game with more points on the scoreboard than the greatest team ever was very, very, very disrespectful.

Look, the Patriots are trying to do something no team has ever done before -- win three straight Super Bowls. With so much on the line, it is unbelievably rude of other teams to expose their early-season weaknesses. Show a little respect for the champions and give them some time to work out their problems on defense and special teams.

Obviously, Carolina has no sense of decency or respect for its superiors. The least the Panthers can do is acknowledge they did not outplay New England, but that the Patriots simply beat themselves through penalties and mis-execution. But will the Panthers acknowledge this fact? Probably not.


Oh, and let the Steelers know they are on notice -- if they dare beat the greatest team ever on Sunday, the Patriots will file it away and exact revenge in the playoffs the likes of which the world has never seen.

(Either that, or Rodney Harrison will rip the helmets off their heads when he tackles them. And then he'll angrily protest that he is being unfairly called for a penalty. Like he always does.)

Mer: hahahahahahahaha.

Oh, that's funny. I wish I'd written that first, dammit.

Screw You, TV Guide!

The article on women and football in the Sept. 4 TV Guide is exactly the kind of thing that gets us mad. Here are some key quotes:

"The NFL has set its sights on women like a defensive back in man to man coverage. From its Manhattan tower on Park Avenue, the league continues to take pro football right to mama. Why? Because it pays to do so and we love the attention.

NFL marketers love our buying power and our growing attachment to a sport that was once a man's domain. These days women can no longer resist the allure of football. It's the pillar of fire around which millions dance every Sunday afternoon (and Sunday and Monday nights and sometimes Thursdays and oh, yes, Saturdays late in the season when college football ends).

More than 45 million women like me watch NFL games each weekend, according to the league. And according to TV Guide's own survey, Super Poll III, they are more likely than the guys in the room to be too superstitious to visit the bathroom when their team is ahead..."


"Speaking of fantasies, look around this season and you'll see female Packer backers in Green Bay flaunting strapless cheese bras and stalwart Steeler sisters with Pittsburgh war paint on their faces..."


"To me, it's no surprise that women, who increasingly embrace opportunities previously open just to men, would rally to the nation's favorite game. Sunday afternoons take on the quality of social ritual in this country.

Whether in the stadium parking lot or in front of the TV, football means friends, family and food, and that's a winning trifecta for women...."


"...women are no longer stuck buying a Tennessee team jersey in men's small or cramming a nasty 'Niners knit cap over their curls in order to make a fan's fashion statement.

NFL Properties has expanded its line of products for women to include jewelry and clothing that ranges from a French boatneck to a strappy tank to T-shirts in pretty pastels that declare your love for your team.

And speaking of love, put a Patriots camisole together with a pair of Patriots bikini panties, and the NFL guarantees you will dream of Tom Brady, even if he won't be dreaming of you."


"But women haven't fallen for football because of the shopping or because they want to get closer to their guy or find common ground with their son.
It is simply that women are not immune to the mysterious sway the game has over the male population.

Figure skating just doesn't get it done."
Mmkay. Excuse us while we barf.

Sam: I don't know about YOU guys, but I just can't wait to saunter into Ford Field on Thanksgiving in my strapless honolulu-blue-and-silver Lions bra. That would be practical, walking 5 blocks in downtown Detroit in the middle of November.

Kristen: This is enough to send me on a three state killing spree.

The word "pretty" has no place in a discussion of football, unless it's describing the interception Ty Law just yanked out of thin air.

And the word "pastel" only belongs in a description of the color Chad Pennington's bruises are turning, eight days after being sacked into next century by Ray Lewis.

Mer: Is it even possible to have a favorite team when you describe a sports shirt as being in "pretty pastels?"

Girls are teh evil.

Kristen: Reading stuff like that makes me kind of want to disown my gender.

Sam: Now now ladies, let us not be hasty. After all, the Chargers could go back to the powder blues at any time.

That said, if a woman wants to root for a football team and is concerned about COLORS, she should just be a fucking Viqueens fan. Then she can wear all the purple she likes and pretend to wonder what's wrong with Daunte along with the rest of those creatures.

Kristen: If the teams wore pink, then the fans could wear pink. It would be stupid because I cannot think of something less likely to say "smashmouth football" than carnation pink, but that would be the way of it.

Beth: you think we're the only girls who like smashmouth football? i mean, surely there *has* to be an audience for this crap.

Kristen: Well, I learned this kind of behavior from my mom, so...

Nah, I think there's an audience. Probably bigger than people think.

Beth: What gets me is the blabber about "clothes that fit women." Yes. Because all women, as we know, wear a size 2 and want a sports jersey that'll show off their perfect little cupcake boobies.

I've got nothing against "women's sizes" jerseys--they do have a more flattering cut, if you're between a size 4 and a size 8--but for God's sake, team gear should be in the team colors.

The other part of the article that irks the crap out of me is the "won't have to put a nasty 'Niners knit cap over her curls". So they're offering what? Straw bonnets with maroon neckerchiefs?

Frankly, folks, I've been at the top of Gillette Stadium during a playoff game when it was -25 F. a "nasty knit cap" was my best friend. My hair ranked somewhere below clipping my toenails at the time; I doubt you could even have been able to discern what gender I was below all the cold-weather gear I'd wrapped myself in. That, to me, is football.

I read this crap and I think, who are these people? Who are these girls being all, "Yay! I'm a football fan! Look at my pink hat!" What is their motivation? "Fitting in"? I'm sure most *real* fans, male and female, would prefer they stayed home.

Mer: There is nothing wrong with wearing pink, or liking manicures, or being frilly. But sports are not about looking good. They are about blood, sweat, tears, victory, defeat, stomach ulcers, sleepless nights, screaming until your voice is gone, and waking up and doing it again the next day. Real sports fans, male or female, don't have time, when the game is tied and the clock ticks away, to think about what their hair looks like or if the blue of the shirt matches their eyes.

Kristen: I would argue that said fans are fans of warm weather teams, and "Yay! Arizona, um...Cardinals! 'Cause Kurt, um, Warner is so cuuuute!"

Beth: "Whether in the stadium parking lot or in front of the TV, football means friends, family and food, and that's a winning trifecta for women...."

Could it GET any more patronizing? This is 2005. How is it still impossible for people to think, "Hmm. maybe men are forced to be less closed-minded about things, and women are able to get into sports stadiums without fear of violence (most of the time). And women would have been into football all along if there weren't serious social sanctions about it."

Some of them are perpetuated. The current meme seems to be, "it's okay to like football if you're cute about it." It's okay to be in the "men's territory" as long as you don't threaten them with superior knowledge or by not being petite and worried about your hair.

Personally, I think of myself as a person BEFORE I think of myself as a woman. And this person loves football--the passion, the violence, the intricate strategies, the dramatic, over-the-top, gratuitous, visceral nature of it. I've bonded with my father about it, yeah, and camaraderie with others has been a big bonus to sports fandom. but all of that would've gotten old a long time ago if it weren't for the beauty of a game.

Mer: hehe.

I like when you assume that all girls know what smashmouth football even means.

But for what it's worth, I know of other females that like sports the way we do. We aren't alone - just a vast minority.

Something we all need to come to terms with is that...this article is on par for about 80% of the women out there. We are the minority. Sucks, but it's true. Also, a woman wrote this article, not a man. It's not meant to be insulting...sadly, millions of women think like she does.

Kristen: You're right. But that very much makes me want to weep.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Burning Questions

To kick off the 2005 season*, we have a few inquiries to make of the universe.

How many shots of shirtless fans will be televised during a game played in three feet of snow?

Over/under on how many interceptions Jake Plummer will throw?

If Jake Plummer was legally blind, would he throw more or less interceptions?

Describe, in twenty words or less, Chad Pennington's internal monologue when faced with a Ravens/Patriots/Bills defense. Please omit the word "fuck".

How many games before Brenda Warner forms a band of religious rooters known as the Arizona College of Cardinals?

How many obvious attempts will be made to show Drew Brees from the most flattering angle? i.e. the angle that does not display his large and grotesque facial mole.

How many times will Todd Pinkston shriek like a little girl and alligator arm away from the can of Coors Light that his buddy throws him as he's watching the game from a luxury suite?

When will Tony Dungy and Herm Edwards realize that the mustache isn't fooling anyone and reveal that that are actually the same person?

Will the naked pictures of St Louis Rams owner Georgia Frontiere that Mike Martz has in his possesion finally be released to the public?

Have the San Francisco 49ers actually been given lesbian stripper performances in the locker room? Will it improve or weaken their performance? Discuss.

How many times will we see Joey Harrington wrinkle up his forehead in agony on the sidelines?

What is the over / under on instances of the Peyton Manning Face?

How much tongue bathing can Peyton Manning withstand from the broadcast booth before he drowns?

How long will it take Brady to live down the infamous goat picture?

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*Yes, we know we're late. Okay?

link | posted by Chicks Talk Football at 8:40 PM | |

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